Doctor Who is a phenomenon that can only be understood by its hardcore fans...and British people. A touring tribute to the long-running sci-fi classic will be coming to concert halls in the UK next year, titled "The Doctor Who Symphonic Experience," indulging fans in live versions of the series' classic theme song along with bits from composer Murray Gold's current score for the series. And of course, The Doctor himself and several classic villains will make appearances onstage to distract the musicians carrying this whole thing out.
The "Symphonic Experience" sounds great, really, but being uncouth Americans like we are, we couldn't help but wonder if a more pop-oriented TV-opera is a possibility. But then of course we'd need real people to provide the vocals for the various characters. We don't want to invite controversy by even suggesting an actor to portray the titular Doctor, but we're more than happy to suggest musicians to portray his worst enemies.
05) The Silence = David Byrne
The irony of featuring The Silence in a musical adaptation of Doctor Who is that they can't talk...they don't even have mouths, hence the title. Finding a performer willing to mask their face with a Roswell-style alien mask will also be a struggle. What catches the eye is how sharply The Silence dresses, apart from their hideous heads. Many musicians dress to the nines, but how many are willing to sacrifice their vocals while performing in what has now clearly become an experimental musical? David Byrne, the vocalist/brain trust behind the Talking Heads has pulled off several acclaimed albums while hardly uttering a word (My Time In The Bush of Ghosts with Brian Eno and Here Lies Love with Fatboy Slim, which also has a musical adaptation). If we change the plot a bit and let The Silence play guitar, we bet he'd bite.
04) The Weeping Angels = Amanda Palmer
The Doctor Who universe is dangerously lacking in female participation (sure all the companions, but isn't it all a bit sexist that The Doctor never regenerates as a woman and he always has a pretty young thing as his sidekick? Just saying). There's some justification when it comes to the villains because many of his most dangerous nemeses are either robots or lack any indication of gender (see The Silence above). The Weeping Angels, the most nightmare-inducing member of this anti-Timelord clique, may not have gender per se but they sure LOOK like female cherubim. Until you close your eyes, when they gain the ability to move and consequently kill you. Former Dresden Doll Amanda Palmer is a professed Who fan and would love paint herself grey and make terrifying faces. Bonus: She's married to author Neil Gaiman, another sci-fi/fantasy icon.
03) Cybermen = Kraftwerk
The Cybermen represent the classic sci-fi philosophy that the only way to eliminate all the faults from humanity is to make everyone identical and free them from the chains of emotion. The story of the robot-hybrid race also packs a familiar storyline: They began replacing body parts to make themselves more efficient, until they replaced everything, forming a Terminator-species of sorts. Their only goal now is to conquer humanity, trap it in metal suits and erase its ability to think freely. All for our own good of course. Emotion is a key element in nearly all live music, so where do we we find a performer who takes pride in systematic performances? Kraftwerk of course! The German electronic music godfathers enjoy lights and images as much as anyone, but the heart of their music is its precision, not improvisation. Ralf Hütter gave this answer to renowned music journalist Lester Bangs when asked if Kraftwerk's instruments could play their musicians: "Yes. We do this. It's like a robot thing, when it gets to a certain stage. It starts playing. It's no long you or I...it's It."
02) Daleks = Killer Mike
The Daleks represent the classic sci-fi philosophy that the only way to eliminate all the faults from humanity is simply to destroy it. Indeed, the Daleks fall back on the classic line "exterminate" when conversation falters. Unfortunately this race was created during the '60s, when something like R2D2 with a plunger for an arm could be considered terrifying. Even today, after redesigns that have involved the badminton birdies from hell becoming different colors and taller than human beings, it's still a struggle to explain to non-Whovians why the Daleks are the most feared race in the universe. Hence why we suggest making them more accessible to mainstream viewers, such as by giving them a hip, urban attitude. Kind of like Chris Rock voicing the guinea pig in Dr. Doolittle. Our first suggestion: rapper Killer Mike. He's not coming to be cute or comedic however. Just let him deliver his aggressive lines as he would solo or with Run The Jewels. Maybe autotune it so he sounds more robotic. A thousand of him on one screen...sounds awesome in our heads. Plus, at more than six feet tall and rather hefty, he's already shaped for the role. Actually...we regret the last statement. Please don't kill us Mike.
01) The Master = Damon Albarn
There's an army of angry Who fans at our door, out for blood because we haven't cast a single Brit in perhaps the most iconic British television series outside of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Calm down: We wouldn't dare make The Doctor's greatest rival, fellow Timelord The Master, anything but. Who we've settled on, largely because he looks exactly like actor John Simm, is Damon Albarn. What else do the Blur frontman and The Master have in common? You never know what either is going to get into next. One is constantly juggling bands and scoring random operas, and the other is coming up with in-depth schemes for conquering the world/galaxy (we won't tell you which is which). Aside from the opening credits, The Master is also responsible for the second most famous musical aspect of Doctor Who: The renegade Timelord once looked into the depths of the time vortex, causing him to go mad. From then on out he constantly has the same four-beat drum pattern stuck in his head, which he constantly taps with his fingers. It's a pattern the reminds us of the introduction to Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People."
