The Masked Singer Season 11's Group A returned Wednesday for Transformers Night, with various possibly-not-A-list celebrities transforming into various furry and scaly creatures. Two of those more-than-meets-the-eye cosplayers were transformed into rejects by the night's end — including wild-card contestant the Koala, who was revealed as former NFL linebacker DeMarcus Ware after his Tears for Fears cover ended in tears.
But it was the Lovebird's elimination and unmasking that got the Masked Singer Nation and Bachelor Nation all aflutter, when the self-declared "hopeless romantic" turned out to be Colton Underwood — one of most controversial stars in The Bachelor/Bachelorette history.
For those of you more interested in reality competitions for Golden Mask trophies than for Final Roses, here's a Colton primer...
A former pro football player himself, Colton became a Bachelor Nation sensation five years ago, in a sort of icky way, after he competed on The Bachelorette and confessed that he was still a virgin at that time. The following year, he became the new Bachelor and the subject of an ABC marketing campaign that obsessively focused on his virginity. (His season's slogan was: "What does he have to lose?")
A contestant named Cassie Randolph eventually "won" Colton's final rose — but only after she attempted to quit the show during the top three episode. A seemingly devastated Colton then attempted to quit himself by jumping a fence (one of the most viral Bachelor moments of all time), and he continued to pursue Cassie in a way that was aggressive, boundary-ignoring, and almost stalker-ish (and irresponsibly encouraged by Bachelor producers).
Colton and Cassie ended up dating until May 2020, but then Cassie filed a restraining order against her television ex, accusing him of actually stalking her post-breakup. Cassie eventually dropped the restraining order, and six months later, Colton came out as gay on Good Morning America, later revealing In an interview with Variety that he had been blackmailed into that decision.
OK, got all that? Well, wait, there's more!
Colton's next attempt at reality TV stardom, the 2021 Netflix docuseries Coming Out Colton, was widely panned, with various critics blasting him for "[using] this journey for personal gain, quick wealth, and celebrity" and trying to "profit" off "a whole marginalized community" in order to gain public sympathy and polish up his tarnished post-fence-jump image. But now that the figuratively tarred-and-feathered Colton is happily married to Democratic strategist Jordan C. Brown, perhaps his latest reality TV appearance as feathered friend the Lovebird will be better received. So far, as of this writing, I've seen no post-elimination hate for #LovebirdMask on social media.
"I love that Transformers robots can hide in plain sight, and I know exactly how that feels," Colton stated Wednesday. "The world got to know me as somebody I wasn't. But I was celebrated, so I ran with it. Eventually, I had to escape the cage I was trapped in, and the truth was what set me free. ... Tonight, let me be a reminder: Don't hide." Colton even emphasized this point by kicking a fence (as opposed to, say, jumping it) during his passionate performance of the Goo Goo Dolls' "All That You Are."
So, now that Colton has taken a moment and said his goodbyes, it's time to check out the transformative Transformers Night performances by Group A's surviving celebrities. Let me steal you for second, as I make my latest guesses.
Starfish, "21 Guns"
This aquatic comic came out with all 21 guns blazing and had the judges all fired up, even if her vocals weren't at their Billy Armstrongest. "With this performance, your star just shined brighter. We adore you," gushed judge Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg.
The clues: She was huge music fan as a kid, falling in love with Eric Clapton and Fleetwood Mac (and later, Green Day) and eventually joining a band herself. The self-declared "rich sugarmama" also used to "serve steaks to the stars," rubbing shoulders with famous customers like Steve Martin and Whitney Houston, before landing the "gig of a lifetime" that made her a star herself. She's "dabbled in many tide pools" and has "won awards as part of a talented group." Visual clues have included a teacher's lounge, a "LIVE" sign (which had the judges convinced that this is a former SNL cast member), a four-leaf clover, and a ragdoll. She's also mentioned that "last year alone" she racked up "50 billion" streams — which is the clue that really caught my attention.
Judges' guesses: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph.
My guess: I mulled over Maya as well, since Maya has been in two bands, the Rentals and the Prince tribute act Princess. But while I can find no record that Jennifer Coolidge was ever in a band, the other clues add up, so I'm sticking with my guess that this is the original MILF mama. Jennifer used to wait tables (alongside another then-unknown actress, Sandra Bullock) at the ritzy Italian steakhouse Castanel's; American Pie made her an overnight sensation; she guested on a Two Broke Girls episode titled "And the Look of the Irish"; she played a beauty school teacher on King of the Hill; she has jointly won trophies for Best Cast at the Florida Film Critics' Circle Awards and Gotham Awards; and (this is the clincher) her 2023 Super Bowl ad campaign for e.l.f. cosmetics garnered 50 billion impressions. Plus, apparently Jennifer's dream is to play a dolphin, and the Starfish does look a bit like Flipper, or at least like Left Shark!
Ugly Sweater, "Brick House"
This wild 'n' woolly singer knitted his brow and practically turned himself inside-out belting a Commodores classic, and he was lettin' all hang out, indeed. "It was kinda ugly — it was nasty, it was dirty, it was funky!" raved judge Robin Thicke. This was a mighty, mighty performance.
The clues: When he met his wife, aka his "sweater half," her life was "all buttoned up" while his was "unraveling." She didn't even know who he was! But before he'd ended up down on his luck and homeless, "hanging on by a thread," Ugly Sweater had been "the epitome of style." Now he's back on top as an in-demand collaborator among music's biggest stars. Visual clues have included a plane, a train, a stop sign, flames, a clock with its hands pointed at 8 and 2, a blue vinyl LP, and a magician's hat. He has also won a "lifetime achievement award," which didn't surprise the judges at all, because this cuddly creature certainly sounds like an award-winning legend.
Judges' guesses: Charlie Wilson, Smokey Robinson, and Lionel Richie. (Yes, Jenny actually guessed that Lionel had just performed his own song.)
My guess: I'm not sweatin' this one. I am confident that this is Charlie Wilson. Charlie was homeless between 1993 and 1995, and it was in '95 that he met his wife — she was his social worker as part of his rehab program for cocaine and alcohol addiction, so that whole storyline about her having her act together and being unfamiliar with his career also tracks. Additionally, Charlie has songs with "Magic," "Stop," "Plane," and "Fire" in their titles, plus a big circa-'82 hit with the Gap Band called "Party Train." He has many musical collabs to his credit; he recently played the Blue Note Festival; and he has also been presented with accolades like BET's Lifetime Achievement Award, the Soul Train Icon Award, and the BMI Icon Award. So, after weaving together all of these clues, the Ugly Sweater's identity is obvious.
Goldfish, "Baby Come Back"
This is no fish out of water. This Player cover proved the Goldfish did not come to play. She is clearly a pro. "The vocals were incredible, she hit the high notes, and the crowd went crazy. ... She gilled it!" Robin proclaimed.
The clues: She found "dating in Hollywood" to be very hard. "Imagine trying to move on when you literally see your exes everywhere... even having your run-ins turned into TikToks," she sighed. She "was a splash overnight," but all that success made her feel like she was "living in a fishbowl," so she "decided to dive into deeper, darker, edgier waters." Visual clues have included a vampire bat, Christmas snow globe, jar of Valentine candies, glass slipper, and gold record.
Judges' guesses: Sarah Hyland, Kristen Stewart, or Nina Dobrev.
My guess: You guys... could this be Kristen Stewart? All along I've thought this was Twilight soundtrack star-Christina Perri — I mean, one early clue was a jar of hearts — but maybe some of the Goldfish clues were more like red herrings. The mention of a high-profile Hollywood dating history does seem to point to Kristen (there are millions of R.Patz/K.Stew video views on TikTok, if you care). And Kristen was in a Christmas movie, The Happiest Season. And Kristen can sing, although I don't know if she can sing like this. But after much deliberation and Googling, I am changing my guess again — not to Kristen, but to Vanessa Hudgens. Vanessa's famous exes include Zac Efron and Austin Butler, she played a vampire in Freaks of Nature, and she has starred in a few Christmas movies and edgy arthouse films. But most of all, the vocals sound just like the High School Musical starlet. Class dismissed!
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