One Direction got everyone excited for the Christmas season this week when the group announced that it would be taking part in its first ever holiday special. And, to give the boys credit, the collective isn't trying to shove it down our throats before Thanksgiving aka when it's not friggin' Christmas yet. The show, One Direction: The TV Special—albeit not very telling in its title—will take place on December 23.
There are very few details as of yet but hopefully guest stars swing by and skits full of shenanigans will ensue. In the meantime, Music Times has a few other performers in mind that we'd like to see get a Christmas special.
01) Brian Eno
Few people have done more for the synthesizer than Brian Eno and now that instrument is all over the place in ambient Christmas carols and at least one new Mannheim Steamroller album every year. The difference here is that Eno has a very alternative approach to music, which may result in a very alternative approach to Christmas. Either way, he's made a lot of friends over the years in the music industry and we'd like to see a few show up. Perhaps David Byrne will stop by to help Eno cut together samples from Christmas classics for a segment titled "My Life in The Holly Bush of Ghosts." Anything that will get David Bowie to show up is a plus.
02) The Insane Clown Posse
We're totally serious here: The guys from ICP have a great sense of humor about themselves and anyone who's seen the cult classics Death Racers and Big Money Rustlas know that they're more than happy to stage small-budget films. The instant title that comes to mind here is Juggalo Ho-Ho-Ho, which could be interpreted in more than one way. We can see Violent J playing a begrudging Santa Claus (sorry bud...that's a fat joke) or, better yet, as an Ebenezer Scrooge-type character who treats the employees at Psychopathic Records unfairly while hating Christmas. The possibilities are endless.
We'll return to the standard Andy Williams holiday special setup for Lorde. The obvious benefit is that literally everyone—except maybe Diplo at this point—thinks Lorde is the greatest thing ever. This means that she could get everyone from Dave Grohl to Beyoncé, from Kanye West to Taylor Swift, to share a stage and belt Christmas songs. Now that we think about it, why not have Lorde organize the Band Aid 30th anniversary recording instead? Sorry Bob Geldof but she's the greatest diplomat in the world right now. We insist that at least twice someone references Christmas as "the birthday of our Lord," prompting another character to tell the New Zealand pop star "happy birthday," followed by a dramatic eye roll and "You guys!" from the performer .
No band has a bigger cult audience than Rush, and few bands are generally as good humored about their expansive prog art projects as the Canadian power trio. That fan base helps them create a holiday special unlike the ones we've listed so far: South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have animated tour sequences for the group before and Rush is, to our knowledge, the band with the most references in Aqua Teen Hunger Force history. Between the minds of these absurd animators, a most-excellent holiday toon is unavoidable. Rush's Cold Canadian Christmas could feature the band from the evil priests of Syrinx who aim to destroy the "pagan" holiday and happiness as we know it.
05) Barbra Streisand
"Finally," you say. "A normative musician suggested for a Christmas special by these kooks at Music Times!" After all, she's already had two Christmas albums to her name: A Christmas Album and Christmas Memories. Where the world's most Jewish musician outside of Matisyahu gets "Christmas memories" is beyond us but the point is that she can handle the role. The whole thing can be a running joke if she wants, inviting special guests such as Gene Simmons and Billy Joel, and perhaps airing stock footage of Sammy Davis Jr. singing Christmas carols until someone in the audience finally realizes the joke, and everyone laughs collectively. Then everyone can can sing "I'll Be Home for Christmas (Because That Date Has No Relevance to Me)" together as the credits roll.