November 24, 2017 / 10:49 PM

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NSA Ties Pharrell Williams to "Revenge-Driven" Plot to Drench Nickelodeon Headquarters in Slime

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The NSA has detained "Happy" songwriter Pharrell Williams, alleging that the performer/producer was behind a massive plot to douse the entirety of Nickelodeon Studios with thousands of gallons of slime.

According to documents attained by Music Times via a FOIA request, Williams' plan involved renting a Goodyear Blimp-sized aircraft to dump 650,000 gallons of green "slime" on top of the Orlando attraction.

No motive was given, but other media outlets have suggested that the attack was in response to Nickelodeon's blasting of Williams with its trademarked goop during the 2014 Kids Choice Awards. Williams was already in a sour mood after having lost the award for Favorite Male Singer to Justin Timberlake, when he and fellow presenter Kaley Cuoco were slimed by a cannon full of the green liquid. The R&B star was reportedly irritated by the events but maintained his composure. An anonymous source close to Williams suggested that the recent verdict in the "Blurred Lines" trial pushed the performer over the edge, from "Happy" to "Despicable Me."

Apparently his plot was destined to fail from the get-go, according to NSA spokesperson Jonathan Freed. The CIA reported that Williams had bought up more than $4.5 million worth of green jello mix and baby shampoo, and had reached out to the Goodyear corporation about "renting" its famous aircraft. Goodyear spokesman Keith Price said the request raised a red flag.

"First of all, we don't exactly rent the blimp to anyone, even if they did produce 'Feds Watching' by 2 Chainz," he said. "Secondly, the plan suggested by the NSA just doesn't make any sense. The payload he's planning on hauling would weigh more than 2,700 tons. That might work in Rocky & Bullwinkle but there's just no way."

Freed also noted that Nickelodeon Studios has been closed from filming since 2005, which would have made the attack totally pointless. The current headquarters for the network are located in New York City.

Totally unrelated, Happy April 1st from Music Times.

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