Today (July 28), rocker Lenny Kravitz released a new single "Sex," and while the guitar-driven track just oozes of raw sex appeal and power, some tracks with the saucy word in the title don't end up faring so well. We here at Music Times were interested in sexy songs that maybe aren't quite so sexy and decided to investigate.
So, if you're in the mood, don't turn these songs on, because they will turn you off. Here are the 10 least sexy songs with "Sex" in the title.
1. "Post Break-Up Sex," The Vaccines
This song starts off with totally awkward, unsexy lyrics right off the bat: "I can barely look at you / Don't tell me who you lost it to." Inherently about yearning for a lost love but settling for a night of semi-passion with somebody else, this Vaccines single is lyrically everything that is bad about sex: mournful, regrettable, yearning and just plain sad. Don't have post break-up sex. Eat some Ben & Jerry's instead. That will always love you back, and you can look your Chubby Hubby right in the eye.
2. "I Just Had Sex," The Lonely Island feat. Akon
Yes, we know this is a parody song, but The Lonely Island and Akon had a bona fide hit with "I Just Had Sex" in 2011, reaching No. 30 on the Billboard Hot 100. Despite the congratulatory and braggy title, there's nothing actually appealing about the sexing in "I Just Had Sex." It only lasted 30 seconds, the girl may or may not have been a racist and the dude was wearing a turtleneck (arguably the least sexy sort of sweater). Even if Andy Samberg may be a comedy dreamboat, we're glad we didn't land on his "lonely island."
3. "Sex and Candy," Marcy Playground
If there's one thing that is really unsexy, it's when you're not the one getting laid, which is the exact scenario in the '90s one-hit wonder classic "Sex and Candy." Marcy Playground singer/songwriter John Wozniak was walking around his college campus' downtown by himself and stumbled upon his roommate and a girl post-coitus. So depressing. So unsexy. And he sounds pretty bummed about it too. At least maybe he had some chocolate at the end of the night to feel better about his sexlessness.
4. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," Rod Stewart
I mean, the short answer is "no," Rod. But, let's humor this song anyway. The cheesy disco beat, the unappealing falsetto. Though Stewart is technically a very talented man, boy, did he flop with this embarrassing 1978 disco hit. He has dry lips, she has an accelerated heart rate. And they don't know whether or not they're attracted to each other in this song, due to some unsexy crossed signals. It's clunky and weird and we will pass.
5. "Sexy And I Know It," LMFAO
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, no. Just no. This song may also be a bit of a joke about all those overconfident, cocky dudes. But the execution is just... no.
6. "Where's My Sex," Weezer
This song starts off with probably one of the people who will turn you on the least... your mother. "Mom made my sex / She knitted it with her hands / Sex-making is / A family tradition," Rivers Cuomo sings in the first verse. If that's not enough to make you want to be abstinent forever, this song takes sex and turns it into some sort of weird hide-and-seek game. Is it in the washing machine? The closet? Under a bench? No matter where the sex is, it's not in this track.
7. "Sex With Your Parents (Mother f---er)," Lou Reed
If the idea of just your mom kind of involved in a sex song was enough to make you cringe, this political Lou Reed song will turn you off forever and possibly make you vomit. To his credit, Reed admits that this song's title concept is pretty shocking and unsexy, but he's using it to make a political statement, likening the right wing politicians to motherf---ers, literally. And if there's something else that makes for bad pillow talk, it's the policies of the Republican Party. Let's talk about Bob Dole. Oh yeah, baby. Or not.
8. "I Wanna Sex You Up," Color Me Badd
Now, some may argue that this 1991 Color Me Badd single is actually quite sexy, but let's look at this a little further. It's not just the dated sound of this single that makes this song a little cheesy and off-putting in 2014, it's the lyrics. Mainly, "We can do it 'til we both wake up." Umm, excuse me? We also don't want to drown in sex. That sounds really messy.
9. "S.E.X.," Nickelback
There are just a lot of unsexy things about Nickelback and Chad Kroeger right out of the gate, Ramen noodle hair included. But this song just takes things to a whole new level (and is simply titled "S.E.X.," which makes it perfect for this list). It seems to throw consent right out the window, a big no-no, and also uses an "X" to mark a bottom as property. Eww. Gross. Never.
10. "I'm Too Sexy," Right Said Fred
Would any sex song list be complete without this great one-hit wonder? We think not. Though also a play on the world of male modeling, this 1991 summer hit brings sexual ego to a whole new level, with the song's protagonist being too sexy for cars, people and even a cat. Please don't bring cats into the sexy world. It's just so wrong. Add in the funky, awkward beat and you'll never wanna hook up with a model again. Trust us.
