One Direction's most recent shocking headline: ACTS OF TERRORISM?!? No, of course not. It was just a joke-in-passing by The Daily Show's Jessica Williams when reporting on the ISIS threat. Her statement (on a notably satirical program) involved a terrorist super group featuring "one member each from ISIS, Al Nusra, Al Qaeda, Hamas, One Direction, and the Zetas drug cartel."
Needless to say, Directioners (the boy group's dedicated fan base) took the dry humor in stride and didn''t overreact at all.
Not really. Legions of fans raged against the joke with the hashtag #TheDailyShowGoneTooFar. Many also assumed that the snark had been aimed at member Zayn Malik because he is in fact Muslim and of Pakistani heritage (although no member of One Direction was mentioned...so the assumptive Directioners are technically the racists here).
You can check out a litany of the anti-Daily Show tweets at eonline but we'll throw out one of our favorites:
"If he is a terrorist then my first love is a terrorist bc he is truly my first love #thedailyshowgonetoofar," wrote one devoted fan, posting a photo of Zayn.
So no, One Direction does not include any terrorists. Everyone knows that, especially Jon Stewart. However One Direction has committed many, many crimes THAT MUSIC TIMES DOES NOT AT ALL REALIZE ARE NOT REAL (in capital letters for emphasis and not to suggest that we're being sarcastic).
05) Inciting Riots
You've seen the photos. Wherever One Direction goes, women from the age of eight to 48 lose their minds, rushing cars, blocking traffic, crushing barriers etc. The amount of cash spent by local law enforcement to prevent the assault and kidnappings of the aforementioned stars probably stretches into the the thousands of dollars. The disruption caused by the quintet probably justifies charges of inciting riots as well. One Direction should know better than to expose the female (and to be fair, probably some dudes too) gender to their sexy selves. Any responsible individual would make sure to stay inside to prevent these catastrophes. The Beatles realized the same thing during the mid-'60s and changed its career path to avoid touring altogether, allowing the band to still make music without distracting the public.
04) Drug Use(?)
Parents of teenage girls everywhere were shocked, SHOCKED, when an Instagram photo was posted during May that featured members Zayn and Louis Tomlinson smoking what they referred to as a "joint." Thousands of parents across the United States shook their fists at TMZ.com and One Direction members for having the nerve to do what they themselves did several times a day while in college. Of course it was never confirmed what was rolled in said "joint" but we know it can't possibly be good. What's next? Eating behind the line in restaurants?
03) Health Code Violations and Probably Theft
The music video for "Midnight Memories" is one murdered prostitute short of being a Grand Theft Auto title. The group does seem to jack a police boat near the end but what disturbs us more is Niall Horan's barbaric behavior at a kebabs restaurant: The blonde beauty jumps across the counter and takes a huge bite, no hands involved, of a lamb pillar. Is there no decency left on the planet? The good news is that the stuff is probably cooked well enough. The bad news is that no one else can eat it and we kinda doubt he paid for the restaurant's "All-You-Eat Lamb Pillar."
02) Public Nudity
Member Liam Payne, apparently in a war of Instagram photos with Chief Keef, posted a photo of himself on a boat giving a full-frontal pose to the cameraman. The photo was self-censored via pixelation before being posted but it was still a terribly irresponsible thing to do. He then revealed that the photo was edited to look like he was nude but he was really wearing a swimsuit. Still a terribly inappropriate thing to do! As we established earlier, even if you're only joking THE RAGE OF THE INTERNET WILL STILL RAIN DOWN UPON YOU. Although maybe that rule only applies to The Daily Show and everyone who's not One Direction. More research required.
01) Sexual Assault
Let's be honest guys: If we were in One Direction, we'd be using our sexy British swagger to pick up every celebrity girl: Taylor Swift, Little Mix, everyone. Harry Styles realized this and began propositioning girls to pose naked in web chats. Wait, no. It was actually a 45-year old man claiming to by Harry Styles by using the screen name Harry.Styles888 and a photo of the pop star as his icon. It should also be noted that this happened in Connecticut...not the UK. So basically this was the worst scam ever and somehow he managed to make it work. Just another case of girls being desperately obsessive over the band we suppose.
So terrorists? No. But terrors to society? Yes.
